I have a fantasy.

I would like to take a wooden club, or bat, into Paramount Studios. I would go to the office where the people in charge of video releasing, or re-releasing of the studio's films, where they do their, uh, work (or whatever you wanna call it). Then, just like the guy in the WALKING TALL movies, I would start beating the holy shit out of these fucking assholes. After they are lying around in their own blood, I would then tell the fuckers that I want them to release, either on video, or in the theater, or both, the un-cut version of THE CONFORMIST, a great film from 1970, which Paramount owns domestic rights to, and, for some fucking reason, they have refused to release for many years. About seven years ago, they released, to theaters, the un-cut version. Then, instead of bringing it out on video within several months of that, they buried it. Perhaps because it has some homosexuals in it. Or perhaps it dealt with facists and the people who work at Paramount thought the film was about them!

Anyway, after beating them senseless, and telling them about THE CONFORMIST, as well as some other films they buried, they would see the errors of their ways and do as I asked.

Then I would rinse off the bat and go over to 20th Century Fox, and go into the same office as the one at Paramount, and go about beating the holy shit out of those similar assholes. I would then ask them why they have never released FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX on DVD or Laserdisc in letterboxed versions. And then I would demand they do so. Then I would give them other films I want to see un-edited, and letterboxed on Video or DVD. You see, since 1952 (or thereabouts) every movie Fox produced was made wide-screened in CinemaScope and only a handful of them have ever been released in wide screen versions.

My next stop would be Warner Brothers Studios. Well, you get the picture. I would beat the shit out of those same guys and demand that Ken Russell's THE DEVILS be, finally, for the first time, released UN-CUT and letterboxed in this country. Also, I would demand that they release Kubrick's last film, EYES WIDE SHUT un-cut and un-censored. I have yet to see the film because I refuse to see it until I see it the way the rest of THE FUCKING WORLD SAW IT!!!! I would also want them to re-release, letterboxed of course, THE PASSENGER, by Antonioni, with Jack Nicholson.

I am 46 years old. I have waited almost half of my fucking life to see most of these films the way they are suppose to be seen. I am fucking tired of waiting. The cocksuckers that run the studios are a bunch of brainless idiots that have no idea what they have.

Their video releases of THE DEVILS has made good money for them, yet they are ashamed of it, as well as other films of that period. It took them forever to re-release THE WILD BUNCH in its original, un-cut version. It took Fox forever to release BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, a film they have always been very ashamed of.

I would also like to see CATCH-22 again, letterboxed, and un-cut, (Actually, I just found out that this film has just been released on DVD - so one down, about 300 to go).

Another film, from Paramount, is POSSE. Not the shitty western made in the mid-90's, but the Kirk Douglas film from the 70's. It was a very good political allegory, in Panavision, and never released letterboxed. After Bush's illegal takeover of the United States, POSSE is as timely as ever.

If these fucking studios don't like the films, then let some other company release them (for example: Anchor Bay).

My complaints are not as severe for the other studios. Universal Studios is slowly learning that their film library is valuable. MGM/UA films are always coming out.

So, quite simply put, this is a film lover's fantasy, to finally see these films the way they were meant to be seen. If you are reading this and find my fantasy to be extreme, then you do not love movies as much as I do; it is as simple as that.

I do not believe in aliens, or God, or psychics, or ghosts, or the Loch Ness monster. I don't care about Government conspiracy theories, because, just like all the other things I just mentioned, none of this stuff will ever be proven. It is all nothing more than a form of religion, in which many people wastefully devote their lives to searching for answers that aren't there.

However, the only conspiracy that does actually exist, and can easily be proven, is the conspiracy to keep us from seeing several films. To me, that is the most heinous of crimes. To me, that is the most ugly conspiracy of all; one which I would love to smash-up with a bat.

That is my fantasy.